340 – T minus 8 hours or so, and counting

Here’s hoping I return to everyone being well and happy….

Packing begins in earnest today. I need to find my bathing suit, which I just remembered isn’t in my bag where it normally is. No big deal on that.. it’s not that I’m too attached to it.

Yesterday noon I took back the alarm clock I bought at Target, so I’m all set there. I’m going to get to bed early tonight, as we need to leave the house at about 4am tomorrow to get to the airport on time. Hopefully, you’ll see a post from me on May 5th. I do have May 4th off (coming home the evening of the 3rd) but my daughter’s having some minor outpatient surgery, and my wife and I want to be there.

Well, on to some funnies for the last time this month:

When You’re Feeling Stupid, Read This

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
~ Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

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Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
~ Miss Alabama's Heather Whitestone in the 1994 Miss USA contest, who was later selected as Miss America 1995.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
~ Mariah Carey

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
~ Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country"
~ Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
~ Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
~ A congressional candidate in Texas.

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
~ Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
And (yea he gets two)...
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

~ Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States (and inventor of teh internet : )

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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
~ Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
~ Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
~ Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people"
~ Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
~ Bill Clinton, Former President of the United States

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
~ Keppel Enderbery

Take care of yourselves till I get back!

339 – In the Home Stretch

Yep, a bit over 56 hours and I’m blissfully on vacation. You sick of hearing about it yet?

I started my packing in earnest this past weekend, and I couldn’t find my little Timex Indiglo travel alarm clock. It probably cost no more than $10 when it was new, but I really like it and the older I get, the more set in the ways I get about things.

It was driving me nuts, that I couldn’t find my little travel alarm. I searched all my bags, my wife searched all her bags…. nothing.

Sunday, my daughter and I went to 4 different stores to find something to use as I was pretty upset over it. It really is stupid to be upset over something so trivial, but like I said, as I get older, I get more set in my ways.

I ended up buying a cheap piece of crud at a Target store (kinda like Wal-Mart for you that don’t have them), brought it home and proceeded to hate it. I searched my room over and over again, to no avail. I went up to our room, and grabbed my wife’s carry-on bag from our last cruise (which she checked) and lo and behold, there it was in the bottom! (she swears she checked in there)

Life is once again good, the planets are again in alignment.. and packing can move on. *S*

On to something funny (as if the above wasn’t funny enough!)

The Confessional Booth

After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.

After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window... nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit... still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally the dunk yells out... "Ain't no use knocking, there ain't no paper over here either!"

Pirate In A Bar

A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks "How'd you end up with a peg-leg?"

"I was swept overboard during a fierce storm," says the pirate. "and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!"

"Holy cow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook, how'd you get that?"

"Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!"

"Absolutely incredible!" gasped the sailor. "And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?"

"A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye," replied the pirate.

"Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" asked the sailor, admonished.

Embarassed, the pirate answered "It was me first day with the hook."

Have a wonderful Monday all!

338 – Another Friday… 5 days, 8 hours…..

Vacation’s coming up quick now. Time to start to pre-pack this weekend as I’ll have little time on Wednesday night after work. With a 5:50am flight, we’ll have to get up real early to head to the airport. We’re making plans to meet a friend I met on Twitter out in San Diego for dinner at a great Mexican restaurant with a huge Tequila menu! *S*

Tell me everyone… What do you think of this color Corvette? (I'm serious)

Well, our one Connecticut person on American Idol has finally been cut from the group. Katie Stevens had a wonderful run, made the top 9, and for a younger girl, did very well.

I got an email yesterday, that my GodMother passed away in Rhode Island. She was 92, and had been ill for a few months. My GodFather had passed away around 10 years ago. I remember times when I was young, going to their house for a week or two at a time to spend time with them and their son Bobby who is my age. I had a lot of fun back then with them.. and they were incredibly wonderful people.

On to something lighter:

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

Poor Guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Have a wonderful weekend all!

337 – 7 Days and Counting!

Seven days from this afternoon, and I’ll be on vacation! The best part is, the wife’s already given me the OK to book another cruise, an 11 nighter in November! More on that another time.

I wasn’t here Monday as the wife and I took the day off Monday for our 30th wedding anniversary! Wow… 30 years. Hard to imagine sometimes… *S*

This past weekend I went to see my first of the new 3-D movies in Clash of the Titans. Now, while the movie was “ok”, the 3-D was pretty impressive. It wasn’t the “something’s coming towards you in your seat” kinda 3-D, but very impressive in it’s depth. The other good news is, if you took the glasses off, the movie was still watchable with no shadows to blur things.

I also went out this past weekend to get a new pair of shorts for our cruise. I think I have everything, so I’ll be doing some major packing on Sunday, as I won’t have much time next Wednesday.

On to something funny:

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million
bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to
testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he
brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from
me is.

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the God father: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking
about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask
him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried
behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

And from my friend Mike H:

WASHINGTON FOLKS
God was missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael, the  archangel, found
him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look,
Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God,  "and I've put life on it... I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For  example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent  of white
people, and over there is a continent of black people.   Balance in all
things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely
hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then  pointed to a land area and
said, "What's that one?"
"That's  Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are
beautiful  mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.
The people  from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent, and  humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They
will be extremely  sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace,
and producers of software."
Michael  gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about
balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There's another Washington.  Wait till you see the idiots I put
there".

Have a wonderful Wednesday all!

336 – 12 More Days till Vacation!

Yep, time to start trying on my shorts to make sure they still fit… (I hope they do!)

Well, the state is still celebrating UCONN’s National Championship.. and I’m sure there’ll be a parade soon too. Just days after winning the championship, the starting center, Tina Charles got picked first in the WNBA draft by the Connecticut Suns, so she’ll be staying in Connecticut!

Other than pre-packing, I’ve no big plans for this weekend. Friday night, we have our union annual business meeting at a very fancy place with a full dinner. It’s usually kinda fun, so I go every year.

No other news, so I’ll move on to something funny:

Which Girlfriend?

I had three girlfriends, but wasn't sure which one to marry. So I decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one went out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and comes back to my place and says, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." I was very touched and aroused, and we had lots of great sex.
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and brings them back to me as gifts. This sweet girl looked into my eyes and said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." I watched my new television with great enjoyment!
The third one takes the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returns the original $5000 to me and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." She has enough to buy me a new boat.
I thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.

Three Nuns

Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Pete says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says "I want to be Bo Derek," and POOF she's gone.
The second says "I want to be Madonna," and POOF she's gone.
The third says "I want to be Virginia Pepalini.".
St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Virginia Pepalini" replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell.
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper
and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says the Virginia Pipeline was laid by 500 men in 7 days!".

That’s it for today… have a wonderful weekend all!

335 – UCONN Women, National Champions!

For the second year in a row the UCONN Women went undefeated, and beat the Stanford Cardinals to win their second NCAA Basketball Tournament in a row! Only one other NCAA team in any sport has gone undefeated for two seasons in a row, the other being UCLA from 1971-1972. That’s 78 games in a row.

It was an INCREDIBLY hard game to watch, as both teams shot so poorly in the first half, the UCONN Women were down 20-12. Their biggest deficit all year. The second half though, was not going to go the same and the women pulled away to finish the game
53-47. It was also the first single digit loss in all 78 games over 2 years!

Now… all we have is to look forward to next year, to see if they can keep the streak alive!

Two weeks from this afternoon, I’ll be on vacation. I’m so excited… I just can’t wait.

One odd link for you all today, The 11 Strangest How-To Books!

No joke today… I’m just basking in the glow of our UCONN Women’s National Championship for the 2009-2010 season!

Have a wonderful Wednesday all…!

334 – Weather Turnaround

Ok, we had the most gorgeous weekend as far as weather is concerned, than we’ve had in a long, long time.

Friday (I had off), it was about 73, and my daughter and I took my Corvette in to get the oil changed where my brother in law works, then had nitrogen put in the tires! Check out the link to see what benefits that gives.

So, the Vette is home, and on Saturday, it got up to 76 degrees (as well as Easter Sunday). I had the Vette out most of the day, and it felt great to be out in her again.

I apologize that I forgot to wish everyone a Happy Easter… I’m hoping everyone did have a nice day. We had the whole family over, all the windows were open, and it was a wonderful day. The food was great, and it was nice to have the whole family together again.

This week, the warm weather’s supposed to stay till Friday, with it being up in the mid 80’s on Wednesday!

On to something funny:

From my friend michelle:

SAUSAGE

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had  asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'

If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous  indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you
ask me if I'm Polish  because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replied, "Because  you're in Home Depot."

And from my friend Mike H:

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs..

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident..

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field..

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Have a wonderful day!