570 – Stress Relief

Well, we’re due for another whopper snowstorm tomorrow night.

I WANT SPRING!!!!!

Can you tell I’m stressed out?

We finally booked a short 5 night vacation at an all-inclusive resort in Playa del Carmen, Mexico for the end of April. My stress level is off the chart right now, so this is really going to be nice. It’s one of those places with sun and sand and food and drink are all free. Exactly what I need. (ps, 62 more days!)

Other than that, not too much else new with me. I’m debating taking a couple of days off before that trip just to relax. We’ll see.

On to something funny:

The following questions were set in last year's leaving examination 
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL
breed! ! !

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs              (Shoot
yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow                                  (Simple, but
brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E,
I,O,U..                (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.               (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a
fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.           (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.            ( OMG )

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Have a nice weekend!

569 – Weird Weather

OK, so the weather here has been VERY weird!

Monday, it snowed a bit, temps never made it much over 20F.

Wednesday, it was 61 and balmy. No wonder people get sick so much!

The flu is hitting our area pretty hard, luckily, nobody in my family yet has gotten it though we’ve all gotten our flu shots.

The wife and I are still trying to find somewhere to go on vacation this Spring, but nowhere that we can both agree on (actually, I’ll agree to anything, she’s the picky one). It’s getting to the point that I may just go by myself. *frown*

Things are beginning to ramp up for the coming year for our auto club that I’m Vice President of this year (for the second year). Hopefully it’ll be a nice year, weather wise for the collector car owners.

Well, on to something funny:

 

1. A man comes into the ER and yells. . ..
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady?s dress and began
to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong
one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long
have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

5. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered...... It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied...

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

Medical examination..........

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her:

"Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine.

Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of
trouble."

The lady started taking off her panties

Doctor, stopping her: "No! No!

Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have a nice weekend all!