439 – Yes, More on the Weather….

Well, it’s official. After the 12 inches of snow we got on Wednesday night, this is the snowiest January in recorded history for our state. We’ve now had 47.8 inches of snow in 28 days. Oh, and we’re due for more next week! Here's a photo gallery from our local newspaper of all the snow we have. The latest problem now is from roofs caving in from the weight of the snow!

Believe it or not, I don’t have any vacations planned! (yes, hold your gasps) BUT…. I am always looking. I find good deals on, say a cruise, but then find the airfare is outrageous. I’m looking for something for around our anniversary in April, and so far, no luck.

Can we all believe, that it’s been 25 years today that the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded?

On to something funny:

Top Ten Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

1. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
2. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
3. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
7. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
8. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
9. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
10. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Have a great weekend all!

438 – It can’t be… more snow???

Yep… up to 12 more inches of the white stuff. Pretty soon, my commute will look like this: (please click on that picture to ‘embiggen’)

Already, street corners are dangerous because as you come up to them, you can’t see the cars coming from the left because the snow banks are too high.

Who’s the commentator that said “Canadians…eh”?*S*

When I was a kid, one of my favorite comic books was The Fantastic Four. I noticed that today, the newest issue that goes on sale, kills one of them off. *sigh* Anything to sell more comics I guess. What’s the bet on how long before the person gets resurrected? Happened to Superman more than once.

I’ve begun reading “The Demon Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark” by Carl Sagan. Eighty pages into it, I’m having a hard time as it’s a very dry read. I’ve read Cosmos by Carl Sagan, and loved it.. but this one is just hard to get into. Anyone else here read it?

On to something funny:

Airline Humor:

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Have a great Hump-Day!

437 – C.. C.. C.. COLD!

It’s been extraordinarily cold this weekend. Monday morning, it’s –3F with a wind chill 0f –15F. It’s not supposed to get higher than 12 today!

Oh, and there’s more snow coming… Tuesday and into Wednesday. *frown*

I had the woodstove going in the house all day yesterday… it was nice and roasty-toasty! We didn’t do much this weekend or go out of the house much because of the awful cold unless we absolutely had to.

I spent quite a bit of the weekend watching the Barrett-Jackson auto auction from Arizona. There were some incredible cars going across the stage, including a 1963 Pontiac hearse that possibly carried President JFK’s body.
The auction was on from last Tuesday through Sunday, selling hundreds of collector cars, many of which I drooled over, including this 2011 Chevrolet Camaro SS Convertible Indy 500 Pace Car which the owner will drive in the parade laps of this years Indy 500! The color scheme is patterned after the 1969 Camaro Pace Car like this one.
There were everything from Camaros to Mustangs, Corvettes to Road Runners, Cords to Packards, Jeeps to Pickups.

Well, on to something funny:

A humorous description by a newcomer, one who is not as 'hardy' as most Canadians:

Subject: Our new home in Ontario, Canada.

August 12          Moved into our new home in Ontario, Canada.  It is so beautiful here.  The hills and river valleys are so picturesque.  I have a beautiful old oak tree in my front yard.  Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons.  This is truly God’s Country.

October 14          Ontario is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on Earth.  The leaves are turning a multitude of different colours. 
I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer.  They are so graceful – certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on Earth.  This must be paradise.
November 11        Deer season opens this week.  I can’t imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals.  They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Ontario.  I hope it snows soon.  I love it here!

December 2   It snowed last night.  I woke to the most wonderful sight:  Everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white.  The oak tree is magnificent.  It looks like a postcard.  We went out and swept the snow from the steps and driveway.  The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing.  We had a snowball fight.  I won, and the
snowplow came down the street.  He must have gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again.  What a beautiful place.  Nature in harmony – I love it here!

December 12      More snow last night.  I love it!  The plow did his cute little trick again.  What a rascal.  A winter wonderland – I love it here!

December 19      More snow – couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work in time.  I’m exhausted from all the shoveling.  And that snowplow!

December 21      More of that white shit coming down – I’ve got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back.  I think that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until I’m done shoveling the driveway.  Asshole.

December 25      White Christmas?  More freakin’ snow.  If I ever get my hands on the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow,  I swear I’ll castrate him.  And why don’t they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap?

December 28      It hasn’t stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside since then, except of course when the SOB “Snowplow Harry” comes by.  Can’t go anywhere. Cars are buried up to the windows.  Weather man says to expect another 10 inches.  Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is?

January 1          Happy New Year?  The way it’s coming down it won’t melt until the 4th of July!  The snowplow got stuck down the road and the shithead actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel!  I told him I’d broken 6 already this season.

January 4          Finally got out of the house.  We went to the store to get some food and a goddamn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard.  It did $3,000 in damage to the car.  Those beasts ought to be killed.  The hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.

January 27          Warmed up a little and rained today.  The rain turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through the roof.  I should have cut that old piece of shit into fireplace wood when I had the chance.

March 23          Took my car to the local garage.  Would you believe the whole underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn salt they dump on the road?  Car looks like a bashed up heap of rusted cow shit.

May 10          Sold the car, the house, and moved to Florida.  I can’t imagine why anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the God-forsaken province of Ontario.

Have a great Monday all…!

436 – More & More Snow!

Yep, its snowing overnight Thursday into Friday, and we’re supposed to end up with another 3-6 inches. Did I mention I’m ready for Spring?

Oh, and we’re also due to get more on Tuesday of next week!

Mark, regarding your comment from Wednesday’s post, my dinners with friends was what I was meaning about “living life to its fullest”, and I hadn’t even considered the vacations. My wife and I are fortunate to both have good jobs, our bills paid, kids moved out and the savings to be able to vacation probably more often than most.

I was more talking about the little things. The being able to spend time with friends, the freedom I have (and share) to do things with my friends that make me very happy, whether it be speak to them on the phone, where we share a bit of each other, or going out to dinner or a movie.

My friends mean a lot to me, and it takes a lot to lose a friend. I have friends I haven’t seen in many years (like Kent who also commented), but mean just as much to me, in a different way. Kent knows a few of the others down yonder that I miss deeply. I called Kent a few weeks ago, and it was like magic how good it felt to talk to him.

Well, enough of this… on to something funny: (another for Kent/Bubba)

You know you're a redneck when...

Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

Bubba and the Motorcycle
Two guys were roaring down a country road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that." "Just put the jacket on backwards," his friend advised. They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. Bubba came upon the accident and ran to call the police. They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?" "Well," Bubba explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"

Have a nice weekend all…!

435 – Living Life to its Fullest

Mark made a comment in my last blog post about “living life to its fullest”. I wonder if he realizes, the older we get, the harder it is to do just that!

Lets face it, when we’re kids, summers seemed 300 days long, days seem to last forever playing baseball, basketball, football.. just about anything we did. Todays, we get 2-4 weeks of vacation, and they seem to pass in 5 minutes.

Doing things with our friends as kids, seemed like it lasted a lifetime, while today, we go to dinner and a movie with a friend, and it seems like you snap your fingers and its over.

The things we had to worry about as kids were, hearing the noontime whistle from a local factory to know it was lunchtime, and watching for the streetlights to come on to know it was dinnertime.

Today, we worry about so much. Our own kids, our parents, money, our jobs, and so much more.

Living life to its fullest is a rare and precious thing. This is why, when I go out to dinner with friends, it means a lot to me. It gives me a chance to be me, without the worry for even a few minutes.

On to something a bit cheerier (and for my friend Bubba):

People might think you are a Redneck if...

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. 252.Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

You think cur is a breed of dog.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You bring your dog to work with you.

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

You use your fishing license as a form of I.D

Happy Hump-Day!

434 – Going Home Again

Well, cleaning out my mom’s place on Saturday was something different. Going through drawers and finding old pictures of my dad and mom from the 30’s, 40’s and 50’s was something. It took great strength to not just sit down and look at them and try to guess who else was in the pictures. But we had work to do. Throwing away things was very hard to do, after all, these were memories made from over 50 years of marriage and two children. Of course, there was a lot of stuff that really needed to be thrown away, but a lot of if, well, we’ll have to find somewhere for it all.

Other than that, it was a nice weekend. Dinner Friday night with my friends John and Brian was outstanding.

How was everyone else's weekend?

On to something funny:

Actual quotes by dumb lawyers

1. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

2. Q: What heppened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?

3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

5. Were you alone or by yourself?

6. How long have you been a French Canadian?

7. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

8. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

9. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

10. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

11. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

12. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

13. So you were gone until you returned?

14. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

15. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

16. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

17. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

18. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

19. Have you ever thought of committing unvoluntary manslaughter?

20. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury! Please take a long, hard look at this alleged repeat sex offender....

Have a wonderful Monday all…!

433 – Busy Weekend

Well, after 2 feet of snow, I’ll be happy if things calm down, but it’s not to be this weekend.

It’s been really cold lately.. down near 4 degrees when going into work lately, so the snow’s not melting very quickly.

Friday night, I’m going out to dinner with some great friends (one of my favorite things to do), then Saturday, we’re meeting at mom’s place to see if anyone wants anything there before we put it on the market to sell. Sadly, she won’t be going back there.

Sunday, I go see my mom with my brother early in the morning, then I have a meeting around noon I have to attend. So…. it’ll be busy.

Mark, did Ben get to go sliding in the snow down there?

On to something funny from my friend Mike H:

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating."  You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?"
I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

Have a wonderful weekend all!

432 – Wordless Wednesday/Thursday SNOW!

 

431 – Snow and More Snow

Well, we got about 8 inches of snow on Friday night into Saturday morning! Luckily, it was the light, fluffy kind that was easy to move. Also, my wonderful neighbor plowed my driveway before I even got up!

The bad news is, we’re do for a huge snowstorm Tuesday night into Wednesday, possibly up over 12 inches of the white stuff.

Saturday, I took my wife to one of my favorite new restaurants called Somewhere in Bangkok. We both had the Mango Chicken Curry, which is one of the best meals I’ve ever had. She enjoyed it immensely, and we’ll definitely be going back again.

So what’d we all think of this gunman in Arizona? When do we put a stop to the hatred, and stop allowing people to hide behind the first amendment? What Sarah Palin had on her website should have been a crime. The hatred that people like Rush Limbaugh spread, should be stopped and they should be held accountable for things like this.
There’s way too much hatred being spread right now in politics… it’s GOT to stop!

That’s it for today.. except to wish an old friend a Happy Birthday.

Have a nice Monday.

430 – Snow on the Way!

After almost two weeks of above average weather, and all the snow from the last storm hast just about melted. I can actually see my brown lawn again!

Today, we’re supposed to get from 2-5 inches of snow again.. but it’s going to be one of those storms where one town gets 5 inches, and the next barely gets dusted…. so we’ll see how much we get. Welcome to New England.

Oh, and about my post from Monday, I really didn’t have a bad year, it’s just the swing from good to bad widened. *S*

I have some wonderful things to look forward to, things that should be very good for me.

If you don’t often go there, http://www.bing.com has a gorgeous picture Friday!

Well, got to run, so here’s something funny:

Something from my friend michelle:

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day, when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere. 
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. 
Grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath.  With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls
his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "Me and the ole lady been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do somethin' sexy to a tractor."

Have a wonderful weekend all!

429 – Wordless Wednesday – Grand Cayman Sunset 12/1/10

(Click on picture to ‘embiggen’)

428 – 2011

Everything changes.

Hopefully, 2011 will be a good change, for everyone here.

I won’t say I’ve made “resolutions”, but I am going to try to lose some weight. I am going to try to be nicer to people. I am going to try to stop and smell the roses just a bit more this year. And I am going to try to help those less fortunate than me, a bit more this year.

2010 has been an up and down year.
My daughter has a boyfriend, who’s a wonderful gentleman, and hopefully some day he’ll be a great addition to our family.
My mom, had a major operation and she may never go home again leaving it up to my brother and I (mostly him) to sort out so much.. it’s mind boggling.

May 2011 be better for all of us.

And now, for a little something funny to begin 2011:

How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won\'t shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you\'ll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I\'m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
4. If the person says he\'s Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I\'m with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can\'t believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they\'re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don\'t have any friends...would you be my friend?"
9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates."
You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How\'s business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don\'t really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

Have a wonderful Monday all!