363 – Russian Spies and Long Weekends

OK, I’m sure I’m not the first one to say it, but if this picture is of a Russian Spy, then we’re all in trouble. 

I’d give her the keys to Fort Knox. She’s breath-takingly beautiful.

What men among us would say no to her? *chuckling*

*sigh* too bad spies need nothing from me! *L*

(click on her pic to ‘embiggen’)

Anyways, the good news is I have a 4 day weekend, and the bad news is there won’t be a Friday post this week.

It’s supposed to be a gorgeous weekend here too, so we’ll be doing stuff outdoors, including we have a party to attend Saturday for our wine club which should be a lot of fun.

Last Thursday, I ordered a new Car GPS from Newegg.com and because they have a distribution center in New Jersey, I got it Friday morning. Turns out, there’s a known problem with this model where the volume is very soft, even at 100%.
I was just about to send it back, when I found a website that showed how to “hack” the GPS, and make the volume louder! (actually, open the audio files, and raise the volume then save them).

So, after backing the files up, I did as the website said and now, perfect audio! Go figure. Seems you can hack anything these days! *L*

On to something funny: (more customer flubs)

(At a Computer Store)
Customer: Hi, I need some printer ink please. Do you carry ink for [printer model]?”

Me: “Of course. You want the color cartridge?”

Customer: “Oh, they have colors? Okay, then. I want green and pink.”

Me: “It doesn’t really work like that. The printer has one color cartridge that can do all the colors.”

Customer: “Really? How they can put that many colors in one cartridge?”

Me: “They put only blue, red and yellow, and they’re mixed to make all the colors.”

Customer: “Oh, that sounds cool. But how will the printer know which color goes where if I don’t tell it?”

(At the Post Office)

Me: “How long would you like us to redirect your mail for?”

Customer: “Until everybody knows I’ve moved.”

Me: “Well, how long do you think it will take you to tell everyone?”

Customer: “Me tell everyone?  Don’t you do that for me?”

Me: “Sorry, but that’s up to you. We don’t know who writes to you.”

Customer: “Well you should! You deliver the letters to me!”

Have a great Hump-Day and weekend!

362 – HH&H

Hazy Hot & Humid. Three words you do NOT want to string together in the summertime. Unfortunately, today is going to be one of those days. The temp’s going to be in the mid 90’s, and with the humidity, it’ll feel well over 100. Welcome to Summer.

This was a very busy weekend, as we went out to dinner with friends on Friday night, Saturday went shopping with my daughter then had to work at our car club’s cruise night, then Sunday, our club helped run an auto show for a convalescent home in town (this was our 6th time doing it for them) and my car won a trophy! *S* It was a “People’s Choice” thing, where everyone who brought a car, voted for their top cars, then the top 25 cars got trophies.

So, I barely got a chance to relax this weekend, but next weekend is a long one so I can relax for sure! Actually, we get Monday AND Tuesday off next week! We also have a picnic next weekend for our wine club that should be a lot of fun.

Now here’s a funny, about customer service:

(I am a student worker at my university’s IT help desk. Professors’ passwords are set to expire every 90 days. A professor having connection problems informs me he hasn’t changed his password in months.)

Me: “Oh, okay! I think that’s the issue here. Your password has probably expired and…”

Professor: “Expired?!”

Me: “Yes, they’re set to expire every 90 days for security.”

Professor: “90 days! Why don’t you tell us these things?”

Me:”I’m so sorry, usually we email professors at the beginning of term.”

Professor: “Well, you didn’t tell me! I didn’t get any emails from you people!”

Me: “I’m very sorry. Let me reset your password for you now so that you can connect.”

(I reset his password and write it down for him.)”

Professor: “What the h*** is this?”

Me: “That’s the pound sign.”

Professor: “I know what it is! Why is it in my password?”

Me: “It’s a regulation from our administration. Your password has to have letters, numbers and special characters.”

Professor: “And when were you planning on telling us this?”

Me: “There should have been an email last week.”

Professor: “There was no email! Seriously, do you do anything? Where’s your boss? I need to speak with him.”

Me: “He’s out right now.”

Professor: “You need to let me know the moment he gets back.”

Me: “Of course. How should we notify you? We can send you an email?”

Professor: “Don’t email me. God! I never read those. Call my office phone.”

Have a wonderful Monday!

361 – Oh Well…

Well, no comments, so maybe nobody’s read my Wednesday post…. so I’ll just take a break today and write something Monday.

Have a nice weekend.

360 – A New (TV) Season Begins

What’s with TV nowadays? It used to be that all new shows came out in the Fall, now it seems half of them come out in the fall, and half more in the Spring. Some of the shows we enjoy watching that are coming back on now:

• Burn Notice
• Eureka
• Leverage
• The Closer
• Cake Boss
• Pawn Stars
• American Pickers
• Doctor Who

And I’m sure there’s more. Note, that none of those are on the “Big 4” (CBS, NBC, ABC or FOX).
The good news is though, that at least for now, there’s something good we enjoy watching instead of some years I can remember where not a single thing was good in the Spring.

There’s also been a couple of specials on lately, like Into the Universe with Stephen Hawking (I can listen to him talk forever), and Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman, two science related shows that are positively outstanding.

One other show, that I’ve become addicted to is something on HGTV (Home & Garden TV) named Holmes on Homes. It’s a Canadian show about a builder (Mike Holmes) that goes around fixing people’s houses that other contractors have completely screwed up.

Now, most of these we just record on the DVR and watch when we want to (skipping commercials, I can watch 3 hours of TV in about 2 hours and 15 minutes).

And now, something funny from my friend Dan:

You're An EXTREME Redneck When..... 

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is
in it. 

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night. 

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'. 

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.  

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.  

9. Your junior prom offered day care. 

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your
engines'. 

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of
Tattoos. 

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Have a great Hump-Day all!

359 – Another Monday Already?

Seems like Monday came too quickly this week.

It was a busy weekend, we went to a cruise night in the Vette on Friday night as it was gorgeous out, then Saturday a car show downtown in our town, plus some getting together with friends.

Sunday, my daughter and I went to see my mom as we always do, then ran a few errands and came back home where she gave me her Fathers Day Present, a nice Corvette shirt and hat I’d been wanting. I got to see my son for about an hour when he got out of work at 4pm, then he had to go out.

My wife made me a very special dinner, a new recipe of stuffed chicken leg that was absolutely delicious! At some point, I’ll put it up on my recipe website.

On to something funny (From my friend Mike H):

A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet.. She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even. The total had to be exactly
perfect.
No chance here for mistakes.
Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made
her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.

She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention, but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise.
Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster.
No good. Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!

'And what do you want?' the pharmacist askedin an annoyed tone of voice. I'm talking to my brother from
Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages,' he said without waiting for a reply to his question.

'Well, I want to talk to you about my brother,' Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone.
'He's really, really sick....and I want to buy a miracle.'

'I beg your pardon?' said the pharmacist.

'His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?'

'We don't sell miracles here, little girl.

I'm sorry but I can't help you,' the pharmacist said, softening a little.

'Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs.'

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, 'What kind of
a miracle does your brother need?'

' I don't know,' Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an
operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money.'

'How much do you have?' asked the man fromChicago .

'One dollar and eleven cents,' Tess answered barely audible.

'And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to.'

'Well, what a coincidence,' smiled the man. 'A dollar and eleven cents---the exact price of a  miracle for little brothers.'

He took her money in one hand and with  the other hand he grasped her mitten and said  'Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents.
Let's see if I have the miracle you need.'

That well-dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation
was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well.

Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place..

'That surgery,' her Mom whispered 'was a real  miracle.. I wonder how much it would have cost?'

Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar and eleven cents...plus the faith of a little child.

In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need.

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law,  but the operation of a higher law.

Have a wonderful Monday all…!

358 – Fathers Day Weekend

Fathers day has never been a “big” event in my house, and I’m not sure why. Now that my own dad is gone, it seems even less a big deal, which is sad in some ways.

There’s no rule book or instruction manual on how to be a dad. It’s one of the hardest jobs, yet most rewarding you’ll ever have in your life. It’s full of laughter, worry, smiles, heartbreak and confusion. Basically, you do the best you can, and hope for the best. You hope your children turn out better than you did, in a world that’s so much harder to live in than when you were young. Some days, I feel like a million dollars as a dad, and some I feel like a failure as a dad. maybe it’s just me.

Either way, Happy Fathers Day to all dads out there.

34 Days till the trip to Mexico with my brother!

On to something funny:

How to move a computer:

Sometimes it becomes necessary to move your computer to a new location for whatever reason; installing/adding new hardware or just decided to move it for "easier access", for instance (note easier access in quotation marks).

Whatever your reason is, this handy guide may help you alleviate some of the stress that always arises in such occasions.

Keep in mind that this is a venture only to be undertaken by those who know what they're doing...and masochists.

1. Bone up on your cursing. You will need it later.

2. Pick a *good* spot to locate your computer. Don't be too picky; you will regret having started on this venture soon enough.

3. Disconnect all cables, cords, power sources, umbilical cords and plumbing. Look at the black, gray & white spaghetti mess on the floor and sob. Refer to number 1. While you're at it, it helps to focus on cursing Bill Gates and Steve Jobs for making all this possible.

4. Be sure to dust machine off, since it's been sitting for months in one spot, gathering a dust mound the size of Mt. Rainier. This is especially essential if you have asthma.

5. Now that you've picked a *good* spot, it's time to replace all the cables, cords, etc. Make sure it's in a dark, hard-to-reach location.

6. New computers have color-coded plugs and plugins to make assembly easier. This has no bearing on you since your computer is in a dark, hard-to-reach location and they're all the same color: gray. See number 1.

7. Get a flashlight. Look for new batteries for flashlight you've left in the junk drawer for months. Go to store to buy new flashlight batteries since you don't have any. Rule number 1 is coming in handy now.

8. While inserting various cords and cables, be sure to drop at least one on the floor behind the desk, where it will take a contortionist to retrieve it.

9. Find out that your printer cable is now not long enough to reach the computer (see number 1). Oh well, you didn't use it that much anyway.

10. Once you have all the cables, etc. back in place, turn computer back on.

11. Sit, puzzled why computer isn't working.

12. Plug monitor in.

13. Ponder why keyboard and mouse don't work.

14. Switch keyboard and mouse plugins.

15. Call spouse in to admire your handiwork.

16. Spouse informs you that he/she liked it better where it was, and to move it back.

17. When asked why you're banging your head on the monitor, don't reply. It would only confuse him/her.

Have a great weekend all!

357 – Wordless Wednesday – Sand Sculpture, Puerto Vallarta

(Click on picture to ‘embiggen’)

356 – Monday, Monday

Those of you following my vacation blog, Part IX is up today.

I awoke today with the Momma’s and the Papa’s song in my head (Monday Monday) and still can’t get rid of it!

The weekend was up and down, and while the weather was rainy, we had a great time at the picnic on Saturday. I saw some friends I hadn’t seen in quite some time, and a great time was had by all!

Sunday, my daughter and I visited Mom as usual, and she’s wearing her button as she’s supposed to be. I joked around with her that if she behaved, I’d add some bling to it with that TV rhinestone machine! *LOL*

Other than that, not much else to report… so I’ll add a funny here:

From my friend Mike H:

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So, I went to a psychiatrist and told him: 'I've got problems. Every time I
go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going
crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to
me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to
see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of
money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that
money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a
bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

SCREW THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER

Have a wonderful Monday!

355 – Friday at Last

Wow this has been a long week!

Yesterday, I took a half day off of work to go to my mom’s so they could install one of those one touch buttons she wears around her neck in case she falls. The set up of it was amazingly easy, and it works all around her home. My brother and I feel a lot better now that she has it.. and she can even wear the button in the shower (it’s waterproof, and just in case she falls in there!).
The guy who installed it was incredibly nice, and we even did a test call with it (it goes to the local VNA office), and the person at the other end was real nice. They now have a list of numbers to call in case she pushes the button.

Tomorrow, we’re going to a picnic at a friends house which should be fun, then Sunday, if the weather holds out, there’s a small car show in town.

I really haven’t had the Vette out that much this year yet.. but I’m hoping that changes soon.

Hey Mark, did you ever find out why I can’t post on your comments?

Did you ever miss the end of a movie or TV show, and wonder how it ended?
Try Moviepooper! *LOL* Honestly, it’s pretty cool!

On to something funny:

Think about this:

      1.  Cows

      2.. The Constitution

      3. The Ten Commandments

--------------------------------------------------------

      COWS

      Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington ?
And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow..

--------------------------------------------------------

      THE CONSTITUTION

      They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

--------------------------------------------------------

      THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

      The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ...... it creates a hostile work environment.

Have a great weekend!

354 – Wordless Wednesday – Mexican Sunset

(Click on picture to ‘embiggen’)

353 – Post Lobster Memories

Well, I’ll post a bunch of pictures here but it was an outstanding day for Lobster on Saturday! When we got there, a guy had just gotten a 15 pound lobster!

Take a look at the size of those claws!!

(click on any picture to ‘embiggen’)

As his wife tells us, he’ll eat it all, and it’s not the largest he’s eaten (he’s eaten a 17 pounder before).

 

Here’s my brother and I at left, ready for our treats!

The day was around 85 degrees, overcast so no sun to bake us as we sat outside on the dock watching the boats go by.

 

 

 

At right, you can see the dock where we ate and watched the boats go by.

The 3 of us (me, my brother and my friend Mike) all ordered the 2.5-3 pounders, and it was just enough to satisfy our cravings for a while at least.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All in all, it was a great day… and I’ll just have to wait till next year to visit again!

No joke today, no time.. hopefully on Wednesday!

352 – Lobster Time!

Those of you following my vacation blog, Part VIII is up today.

Yep, tomorrow is my annual trek down to Abbott’s Lobster in the Rough with my brother, friends Dave and Mike for a wonderful lunch.

It’s supposed to rain off and on tomorrow, so we’ll most likely eat under the large canopy they have there, but it won’t spoil the meal for me. *S*

Other than the trip to Abbott’s, I have nothing else major planned for this weekend. I know my daughter needs some help with a few things, so I’ll be doing that, but hopefully it’ll be a nice relaxing day Sunday.

Not much else to report, so I’ll get right to a funny:

Need Samples

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

Labor Pains

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

Have a great weekend!

351 – Vaca Countdown Interrupted.. New Count, 50 Days!

Those of you following my vacation blog, Part VII is up today.

Well, next month, my brother’s wife and my daughter are going to San Francisco to see her (my SIL’s) sister for 5 days.

My brother asked me, “Hey, why don’t we go somewhere”, so after getting approval from my wife, I called my travel agent and asked where we could go for 4 days, all-inclusive and inexpensively to have some fun.

She came up with the Barcelo Maya Beach Resort in Riviera Maya, Mexico. We got a great deal on the place, it’s all inclusive, and we’ll relax and order drinks on the beach as we work on our tans *S*.
So, we’re off on July 23rd and back on the 27th for a short vacation.

How was everyone’s weekend? The weather here was fantastic but I was so busy I barely had my Vette out for a couple of hours on Friday night only. Monday we had a nice cookout with our friends Ray and Debbie, and just relaxed. It was a peaceful end to a busy weekend.

On to something funny:

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.  Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting.  I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.  At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.  At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.  "I will tell my saddest story first," he said.  "I left the room key in the car!"

Have a wonderful Wednesday!