Friday, March 30, 2012

547 – Time Flies…

Where has March gone? It seems like just yesterday it was March 1st.

To top it off, we may get 1-3 inches of snow overnight *groan*. I thought we were over that!

Been tremendously busy lately, but I found time Wednesday night to go see The Hunger Games with a friend of mine. I read all 3 books, and for once, they got it right! Normally, I hate seeing movies where I read the book, because I always walk away disappointed. This one gets 5 out of 5 stars for me!

Busy weekend coming up too… our wine tasting group is having a tasting Saturday night, and Sunday we’re having my friend Ray and his wife over to watch the NCAA Final Four where our UCONN Husky Women are still in.

Rest in Peace, Earl Scruggs…  Here he and Steve Martin engage in a little:
Foggy Mountain Breakdown!

Earl Scruggs & Steve Martin

Have a great weekend all…!

Friday, March 23, 2012

546 – Mother Natures Surprises

Well, we’ve had record setting days in the last week, but yesterday was the biggest with the temperatures hitting 83 degrees, completely shattering the previous record of 75.

I took the Corvette out for a nice ride yesterday after work and it felt great to be back in her again! I always have such a smile on my face when driving my baby.

If you remember in my last post, I mentioned how my daughters school was in the news for their “Hunger Games”, well they’ve made many more news outlets now! They’ve also made it into a national math teachers magazine!

Here’s a sample of one of the questions the students had to answer in “The Hunger Games”:

Katniss’ name is entered into the reaping ball once for every year she has been eligible for the Hunger Games as well as once for every time she has taken tessarae (and all entries are cumulative).  At 16 years old, Katniss has 20 entries in the reaping ball.  How many entries did Katniss have in the year that she was 14 years old?

(Katniss Everdeen is the main character in The Hunger Games)

I’m very proud of what they’ve done…!

On to something funny:

I Know This Laywer

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.

You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail within 3 minutes!"

Have a nice weekend all!

Friday, March 16, 2012

545 – March Madness

Well, March Madness is upon us. To us in the US, that means College Basketball’s big national tournament.

Last night was the first round for my favorites, the UCONN Huskies Men (and women), and as defending champions from last year, they lost their first game. Out. For some reason, they just never got it together this year. They lost their best player after last season to the NBA, but still shouldn’t have been this bad.

Well, there’s still plenty of other teams to watch and cheer for!

(BTW, I made the font bigger for you Merle, is it better?)
If not, hold down the CTRL key, and roll your mouse roller wheel forward. Most times, this makes the screen text bigger.

Other than that, the UCONN Women play on Saturday at 1:50pm. I can’t wait!

Oh, one more thing… the school where my daughter teaches made the news (for something GOOD!) Check it out here!

On to some funnies from my brother:

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a ting of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
*************************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


**************************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.  But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" Imust, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim.  Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,  he got out three times to pee."

**************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


**************************************************************

AND THE BEST FOR L AST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

Have a nice weekend all!

Friday, March 9, 2012

544 – Teachers

[RANT]

In our state, our Governor is trying to change how teachers tenure works, allowing teachers who have been doing a wonderful job for many years, to be laid off or fired.

Now, my daughter is a high school math teacher in our town. The stories she tells us about parents that just don’t care, drug addicts (students and parents), dysfunctional families, and other home problems that make me want to cry. It seems, most parents just don’t give a damn about their kids education any longer, and if a teacher even looks at a kid the wrong way, the parents are ready to sue the school system.

When I was a kid, if a parent sent home a note, I got an ass whooping. Now, the parents come in screaming at the faculty that the teacher is incompetent. What's wrong with this??

My daughter has seen students outright lie to their parents in front of her about what goes on in the classroom, and she has no support from superiors.

Instead of changing the law, our Governor should ask the parents what THEY’RE doing to ensure their kids get the support they need at home.

[END RANT]

On to something funny:

Counseling

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling . 

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been  married.


On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of 
unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife  to stand,  he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Ear Infection

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.  '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. 
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 

'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!


Have a great weekend all!

Friday, March 2, 2012

543 – Waiting for Spring

Well, we had a bit of Winter weather Tuesday, with about 2.5 inches of wet, heavy snow, but it’ll be gone pretty soon as the weather warms up again next week.

Our auto club is gearing up for a good year for car shows and cruise nights, and we’re all excited about getting our cars out when the weather warms up.

My daughter and her fiancé are coming over tomorrow for lunch, so we’ll have fun there for sure and if we’re lucky, they’ll bring our GrandPuppy over again too! *chuckle*

On to something funny:

Two travelling salesmen were driving way out in the back-country, and broke down by a farm. The farmer offered to let them stay the night, but warned them to stay away from his beautiful daughter, OR ELSE!

That night, both salesmen couldn’t resist and had their ways with the farmers daughter. The following morning, the farmer opened their door with a shotgun pointed at them and said “For that, you’ll pay… follow me” and led them into his fields.

He then tells the salesmen to go out into his fields, and pick 10 of their favorite fruit, and come back to him.

The first salesman arrives with 10 strawberries.

The farmer points the gun at the mans forehead and says “drop your drawers, and shove them all up your backside”.

As the man begins doing so, he’s laughing hysterically. The farmer, confused asks “why are you laughing so hard??”

The salesman says “My friend is picking watermelons!”

Have a great weekend all!